


we used to be the protagonists of the world

by ceoofbokuaka



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:06:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28406730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceoofbokuaka/pseuds/ceoofbokuaka
Summary: Akaashi is new at Fukurodani and doesn't know anyone here. He got used to be alone all the time but it was until he met him.in this fanfic bokuto and akaashi will be the same age
Kudos: 6





	1. the encounter

Akaashi finally thought that he found the right person. The person who will never leave him and who will stay by his side no matter. 

Akaashi was a first year at Fukurodani and didn’t know anyone here. Akaashi’s parents decided that he would go to Fukurodani because in their opinion it was the best high school in Japan so Akaashi who didn’t want to disappoint his parents just accepted their decision and went to Fukurodani. 

It was his first day here and everybody already knows each other since most of them were childhood friends. Akaashi kept hearing whispers and caught his classmates glaring at him but he acted like he didn’t notice. On the outside it seems like it doesn’t affect him however on the inside akaashi’s mind was clearly a mess… He began to overthink and the voice in his head wasn’t helping.  
‘’ they are making fun of you ‘’  
‘’ you are worthless ‘’  
‘’ no one wants to talk with you because they don’t care about you being here or not ‘’ 

that’s what the voice kept telling him. Akaashi was trying really hard to listen to whatever his teacher was saying but he couldn’t ignore this voice and decided to believe that what the voice told him was true. Fortunately the school bell rang making Akaashi pull himself together. 

It was the break and since it was their first day the school decided to offer them snacks and drinks. After everything that went through his mind during this whole 2 hours, Akaashi thought that eating something is most welcome. He was waiting in line until his turn came but the voice in his head kept telling him mean things. Akaashi was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice that it was his turn. 

‘’ HEY HEY HEY what would you like to drink ? ‘’ said the guy energetically . 

His voice was so loud but Akaashi was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice him.

It took Akaashi a moment to realize that the guy was talking to him and now he was kind of embarrassed. He was fidgeting his fingers and refused to look at the guy. 

‘’ Hey are you okay ? Is something wrong ? ‘’ the guy replied while tilting his head to the side 

‘’ I- I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention ‘’ Akaashi replied shyly 

‘’ Oh no problem really. I was just asking what you wanted to drink ‘’ the guy reassured Akaashi

‘’ Tea please ‘’ 

‘’ Here for you but hey you look familiar ‘’ the guy was staring at Akaashi and it made him even more nervous 

‘’ U-Uh i don’t think that we have met before I’m new here ‘’ managed to say Akaashi 

‘’ OMG ‘’ now he was clearly shouting ‘’ YOU ARE THE NEW STUDENT ‘’ 

‘’ Yes it’s me… I’m Akaashi Keiji ‘’ he was now staring at the ground because a few people were watching them

‘’ Oh I’m so rude I didn’t even tell you my name. I’m Bokuto Koutarou it’s a pleasure to meet you ‘’ Bokuto said that while giving Akaashi the brightest smile he has ever seen in his life 

‘’ It’s nice to meet you too but well I gotta go since there are people who are still waiting for their drinks and snacks so… ‘’ 

Bokuto wasn’t sure if it was real or if it was just his imagination but he could have swear that he saw Akaashi’s ears turning red.

‘’ Oh that’s right ! I completely forgot about that… Well I hope to see you around Akaashi ‘’

Akaashi managed to find an empty seat where he could eat and began thinking about what just happened. Like always he was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice that two of his classmates were trying to talk to him. 

‘’ Hey do you think he heard us ? ‘’ a blonde haired guy said 

‘’ I don’t think so he seems to be daydreaming ‘’ 

‘’ Oh hi, i’m sorry I didn’t notice you ‘’ finally replied Akaashi 

‘’ Oh no problem we just saw that you were by yourself and thought that it will be great if we- ‘’ he stopped talking like he just realized something 

‘’ Is something wrong ? ‘’ frowned Akaashi 

‘’ You just realized that maybe he didn’t want us to join him didn’t you ? You are such a dumbass ‘’ the dark haired guy was wheezing while his friend was trying to hide his embarrassment 

‘’ I’m sorry he always acts because thinking… Anyway I’m Sarukui Yamato and this is Konoha Akinori ‘’

Konoha just waved his hand and Sarukui couldn’t stop making fun of him. Akaashi was just watching them and wondering why of all people here they would want to talk with him… After all he was just a guy that no one cared about so why him ? he pushed those thoughts away and tried to enjoy himself

‘’ I’m Akaashi Keiji nice to meet you ‘’ he finally replied 

‘’ Nice to meet you Akaashi so I know that you have been here for only two hours but what do you think of Fukurodani ‘’ 

Akaashi didn’t want to mention the whispers and glares from earlier since he didn’t know Konoha and Sarukui that much so why would he bother them with that

‘’ People seems to be nice here and I heard only great things about fukurodani so that’s why I applied here even if I didn’t know anyone here ‘’ 

‘’ Yeah that’s exactly why we came to talk to you. We didn’t want you to feel left out right Sarukui ? ‘’ Sarukui just nodded in agreement 

‘’ Oh that’s really nice of you… I really appreciate it ‘’ replied Akaashi 

‘’ Well it was really nice talking to you but we gotta go since we have to take care of the drinks now. See you later Akaashi ‘’ 

Akaashi watched them as they left and couldn’t stop thinking that maybe there was a chance that he will enjoy himself here and finally have friends.

Akaashi was in fact right since Sarukui, Konoha and Bokuto were his classmates. To Akaashi’s surprise they quickly became friends and hang out a lot outside of school. However what surprises Akaashi the most was the fact that he became really close with Bokuto. In fact by the end of the school year they were basically best friends. It surprises Akaashi because they were really different at least that what he thought but he didn’t know Bokuto that much at the time. Bokuto was loud, popular and constantly surrounded by people whereas Akaashi was shy, insecure and always overthinking.  
Akaashi was aware that he tend to overthink a lot so when he saw that everything was fine and that he was finally enjoying himself he couldn’t stop asking himself what could possibly go wrong. Bokuto, Sarukui and Konoha were great friends they wouldn’t do anything to him right ?

Akaashi realized that everything was fine because they didn’t know the real Akaashi Keiji… In fact no one knew the real Akaashi Keiji since he spent his whole life acting like someone he wasn’t just to be accepted by others. What could happen if he told his friends how he really felt ? If he told them about the voice in his head that keeps telling him everyday that he was worthless ? Or worst what will they think of Akaashi if they knew what was going on in household… 

No they will never do something to him even if he told them who he really was that’s what Akaashi thought but he wasn’t ready for what was going to happen during the next two years…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically the sad bokuaka fanfic nobody asked for


	2. the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you will learn a little about akaashi's backstory here and what is bothering him

It all started in October of their second year. Akaashi’s dad had a stroke and it affected Akaashi pretty badly because after all it was his dad even if he wasn’t always nice to Akaashi. 

Akaashi had a complicated relationship with his family especially with his mother. He doesn’t remember exactly when it all started but Akaashi’s mom beat him up. Whenever his mother was in a bad mood or if something bad happened she will let it all on Akaashi like he was responsible of all the misfortunes of the world. So when Akaashi’s dad was ER her mother starts telling her son mean things all the time 

‘’ I hate you so much ‘’  
‘’ if only it was you instead of your dad ‘’  
‘’ We need your dad but we don’t need you why this happened to him and not to you ‘’  
‘’ You can’t do anything right ‘’ 

That’s what his own mother told him everyday. It was kind of overwhelming for Akaashi because he didn’t have anyone to vent to because he didn’t want to bother Bokuto with that. Akaashi’s dad is a doctor and his mother is a housewife so since his father wasn’t going to work for a while it will be a difficult time for them so that’s what led his mother to ask Akaashi to do his dad’s paperworks 

‘’ Go make yourself useful and try to do some of your dad paperworks. You just have to copy the numbers on his computer ‘’ asked him his mother without even daring to look at him since she couldn’t bear him 

‘’ Yes mother ‘’ 

that’s all Akaashi could reply because he knew that if he made even the slightest ‘’ mistake ‘’ she will start screaming at him and beating him but even when Akaashi tried his best she found an excuse to take her anger out on him 

‘’ Is that how you talk to your own mother ? I can’t stand you. You always make me feel like you hate me. ‘’ shouted his mother 

Akaashi just stared at her and let her say all those stupid things about him. How dare she says that he hates her when she is the one that hates him ?

‘’ Everyone hates you ‘’  
‘’ The world will be a better place without you in it ‘’  
‘’ I feel nothing but hatred for you ‘’  
‘’ If only you weren’t born ‘’

She tells him these every single day and she dared to say that he was the one who hate her ? Akaashi didn’t understand why she was like that and didn’t want to understand so the only thing that was left for him to do was crying. He starts crying so much except it made her mother even angrier. 

‘’ Why are you crying ? You don’t even have a reason to cry ‘’ she told him in a condescending manner 

Akaashi just decided to go to his room because there was no point in arguing with her since she was sure that she is always right. She was so angry at him that she didn’t even notice that he left. 

Why was he crying ? Has she really asked him that ? She’s currently telling him how she hates him and he isn’t allowed to cry ? His own dad is in ER right now and she expects him not to cry ? Even if Akaashi’s dad tells him mean things he cares about Akaashi. He knows that Akaashi is sad most of the time however he doesn’t know how to confort Akaashi so he just asks him to choose their holiday destinations or buys him the best things that exists. But what Akaashi’s dad doesn’t know is that Akaashi doesn’t care about that…. Akaashi just wants his parents to care about him and treat him with love and kindness. 

He just laid on his bed and tried to ignore her mom who was still screaming downstairs. He couldn’t stop asking himself why was it happening to him out of all the people. Morever even if he knew what his mother was saying were just stupid things he couldn’t help to think that maybe what she said wasn’t entirely wrong and that he might be like that. 

His dad condition and his mother weren’t the only things that were bothering him. Things in high school weren’t great too. Someone joined their group… His name is Kuroo Tetsuro. Akaashi gets the impression that he doesn’t like him but he might be paranoid because of all the mean things that his mother tells him. Kuroo was always making remarks about Akaashi that seemed harmless but Akaashi couldn’t stop thinking that it was meant to make him feel bad. He didn’t want to annoy his friends and he was used to her mother insulting him so it didn’t affect him that much at least that what he thought

Akaashi was in class when suddenly his arm starts shaking out of nowhere. Akaash didn’t pay much attention to it and continue listening to whatever his teacher was saying. However during the next period it was his head that starts shaking and it wouldn’t stop… 

Bokuto who was sitting next to Akaashi starts worrying 

‘’ is everything okay Akaashi ? ‘’ he looked at him with worrying eyes and Akaashi’s couldn’t help himself to think that it was the first time someone looked at him like that 

‘’ Don’t worry Bokuto-san. I don’t really understand but it started shaking out of nowhere during last period ‘’ 

‘’ Do you want to go to the infirmary ‘’ offered Bokuto 

‘’ No no don’t worry it will get better ‘’ 

‘’ As you wish Akaashi but don’t hesitate de tell me if you change your mind or if something is bothering you. Pinkie swear ? ‘’ he said while raising his little finger 

‘’ Pinkie swear ‘’ replied Akaashi quite amused by how childish Bokuto could be

Bokuto seemed to relax after hearing that and tried to focus but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn’t stop thinking about Akaashi. He was sure that the boy was hiding something from him but he couldn’t find what it was. Maybe he could talk about it with the other guys ? No it was a bad idea since they didn’t know Akaashi like he does. But does he really know Akaashi ? Bokuto wasn’t so sure of that after what he saw. Still, why would Akaashi hide things from him ? They are best friends right ? And best friends are so supposed to tell each other when they don’t feel great. Bokuto wanted to ask Akaashi about whatever was bothering him but now wasn’t really a good time. Moreover they have a really important exam tomorrow and he wondered if Akaashi could attend it with his condition. 

Akaashi was trying to focus too but he couldn’t. He was thinking about what his mother will tell him when she saw his head shaking… He was so scared of her and so scared of what she will say. Unfortunately the school bell rang and Akaashi has to go home. He was so afraid of going home and it seemed like Bokuto noticed it too 

‘’ Akaashi do you want me to walk you home ? ‘’ Bokuto asked 

‘’ I wouldn’t want to annoy you Bokuto-san and you sure have better things to do ‘’ 

‘’ Akaashi stop saying things like that. You should be aware that I care a lot about you ‘’ 

Bokuto cares about me ? But mom keeps telling me that no one cares about me and she is always right… So all those things that mom keeps telling me aren’t true ? Akaashi couldn’t believe what he just heard so he just did what he always does and acted like he didn’t hear what Bokuto told him. 

‘’ Well if that doesn’t bother you then yes ‘’ Akaashi finally replied 

Bokuto was glad that Akaashi accepted considering what happened next. Now it wasn’t just his head and hands that were shaking but his whole body. Akaashi started panicking because he could barely walk now.

‘’ Akaashi do you want me to carry you ? ‘’ Bokuto was now even more worried for Akaashi 

‘’ No it’s - ‘’ Akaashi didn’t even have the time to reply that Bokuto was already carrying him on his back. As soon as he was on Bokuto’s back Akaashi relaxed immediately and his body seems to shake less. Akaashi really felt in peace when he was with Bokuto that’s why he decided that the boy deserves to know a bit about what was going on in his life. 

‘’ Bokuto-san i need to tell you something ‘’ 

‘’ What is it Akaashi ? ‘’ Bokuto turned his head to look at Akaashi 

‘’ My dad had a stroke and he is actually in ER since 2 weeks now… I’m worried about him so it might be why I’m shaking ‘’ 

Bokuto didn’t know what to reply to this. Akaashi was finally opening up and he didn’t know what to say. 

‘’ U-Uhm i’m sorry about that Akaashi really. Is there something else that is bothering you ? Do you want to talk about it ? ‘’ 

Akaashi knew that he couldn’t tell Bokuto about his life at least not yet that’s why he decided to lie. 

‘’ No don’t worry it’s the only thing that is bothering me ‘’

‘’ Well you should know that I will always be there for you. You remember our pinkie swear right ? ‘’ 

‘’ Right Bokuto I will try to not forget that ‘’ 

The rest of the walk was silent and they were just enjoying each other company. Before they could reach Akaashi’s house, Akaashi asked Bokuto to let him go and that his house was just down the street. Bokuto had a hard time believing that but he didn’t want to upset Akaashi so he let him go. 

Akaashi thanked Bokuto for everything he did for him today and began to head home. Bokuto didn’t leave until he saw Akaashi’s figure disappears.

Akaashi tried his best to walk as slowly as possible but it still seems too fast for him. He didn’t want to go home. He just wanted to be with Bokuto and tell him about everything that is on his mind but Akaashi knew better than anyone that he couldn’t because Bokuto would leave him. 

Fortunately his mother wasn’t home so he had time to think about what he would tell her. Akaashi began thinking about how lonely he was. He had no one he could vent to about his problems, no one that cares about him. He was all by himself and try to think about how he could deal with all his negative thoughts. 

To prevent his thoughts from getting to hard to handle Akaashi decided to do his maths homework ( not a good idea to do maths when you feel sad ). He was doing trigonometry so he had to use his compass but a dangerous thought crossed his mind. What would happen if he used his compass to hurt himself ? 

TW self harm 

Without thinking the pointe of the compass was already on his wrist. Little red lines started to appear. It hurts yes and Akaashi didn’t know why he was doing that but it didn’t stop him. People said that it helps them, that they felt good while doing that but Akaashi was different. Akaashi didn’t feel anything but pain. He was suffering even more now and soon his wrists were covered with blood and tears. 

He heard the front door opening. His mom was here and Akaashi was a mess. His whole body was shaking and his arms were covered with red lines. He needed to hide that before his mother sees that. Suddenly his door was burst open. No this can’t be happening Akaashi thought. His mother was now in front of him and she clearly saw Akaashi’s wrist. 

What is she going to say ?  
Will she scream at me like she always does ?  
Is she going to insult me ? 

Akaashi excepted everything literally everything to happen but he was definitely not excepting that. His mom was laughing, she was laughing like Akaashi told her the funniest joke in the world. He stared at her wondering what was making her laugh so much. 

‘’ You are truly worthless. ‘’ she finally said 

‘’ Did you use a knife to do that ? ‘’ she was still laughing while saying that and Akaashi was trying to figure out what was going on 

‘’ Why is your body shaking so much ? You didn’t even graduate and your body is already like that ? You wouldn’t even survive one day as an adult ‘’ she didn’t even let him talk and left him standing here in his room trying to figure out what just happened. 

His own mother just saw his cuts and made fun of him. How could Akaashi expect anyone to care about him. 

END OF TW

He just noticed that he had a lof of notifications and wondered who will send him all of this messages. It was no one other than Bokuto 

‘’ Hey Akaashi are you home now ? ‘’ 

‘’ Pleeeeeeeeease Akaashi reply ‘’ 

‘ AGKASSSSSHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIII ‘’ 

Akaashi couldn’t help but smile while reading that. He was really lucky to know Bokuto and to have someone who cared about him that much even if Akaashi keeps telling himself that no one cares about him.

‘’ Im home don’t worry Bokuto-san ‘’  
‘’ Thank you again for today ’’ 

Bokuto replied immediately as if he was waiting for Akaashi to reply

‘’ Stop thanking me :/ I was happy to help you :) ‘’ 

Akaashi : ‘’ i have to do it. Anyway good night ‘’ 

Bokuto : ‘’ sweet dreams Akaashi ‘’ 

Akaashi didn’t want to see his mother so he decided it was better if he went to sleep now since he had an important exam tomorrow but Akaashi couldn’t sleep because his head couldn’t stop shaking so he stayed up all night. 

It was now morning and he spent a sleepless night. Akaashi was wondering how he will manage to walk to school and most importantly how he will not fail his exam. 

His phone starts vibrating and he saw that Bokuto sent him a message 

‘’ Akaashi i will be waiting for you outside so I can help you go to school :) ‘’ 

Maybe it won’t be a bad day after all…


	3. jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im just writing this fic as a way to cope with my traumas so im just talking about my life and saying it's bokuaka fanfic

Today was Akaashi’s birthday but to Akaashi it was a day like any other. No one knew that it was his birthday because he didn’t see the point to tell people about that. He went downstairs and saw that his parents have already left. He wasn’t disappointed since he was kind of used to that. In fact his parents told him that they didn’t care about his birthday since he was now in high school he needed to grow up and stop focusing on childish things such as birthdays. Akaashi was about to leave for school when he noticed something on the table. It was his present, it might be a new phone but Akaashi didn’t bother opening it. 

He was on his way to school when he noticed that Bokuto was waiting for him at their usual spot. Strange he didn’t tell me that we will walk to school together thought Akaashi. Bokuto starts waving at him and looked so happy to see him. Akaashi couldn’t help but smile in return

‘’ HAPPY BIRTHDAY AKAASHI ‘’ he said as he pulled Akaashi into a hug 

‘’ But ??? How do you know that today is my birthday Bokuto-San ? ‘’ asked Akaashi confusedly 

‘’ It’s a secret ‘’ Bokuto winked at him 

‘’ Bokuto-san what is all of this ? ‘’ pointing at two boxes Bokuto was carrying 

‘’ It’s your gifs Akaashi ‘’ 

‘’ My what ? Bokuto you shouldn’t have spent money on me… I have everything I need ‘’ scolded Akaashi 

‘’ But I wanted to make you happy Akaashi ‘’ pouted Bokuto 

Bokuto wanted to make him happy ? But why would he wants to do that ? Bokuto gave him his gifts and asked him to open them now so he can see how Akaashi reacts. His first gift was a bracelet with little stars and his second gift was a lot of envelopes ‘’ to open when… ‘’ Akaashi was so shocked that he didn’t notice that he began crying 

‘’ Akaashi ? Did i do something wrong ? ‘’ frowned Bokuto 

‘’ Oh no you didn’t Bokuto-San. Those are tears of happiness… You didn’t have to do all of this for me really I don’t deserve it. How can I repay you ? ‘’ 

‘’ Well actually there is one thing you can do ‘’ shyly said Bokuto 

Why was Bokuto blushing now ? Or was it Akaashi’s imagination ? Yes it has to be Akaashi’s imagination because why would Bokuto be blushing ? 

‘’ Can you kiss me please ? ‘’ finally said Bokuto 

‘’ WHAT??? Kiss you ??? ‘’ Akaashi clearly lost his composure now. It’s not that it bothers him to kiss Bokuto’s cheek but why would Bokuto ask him something like that. 

‘’ I’m so so sorry Akaashi forget what i- ‘’ Bokuto didn’t even finish his sentence that he felt soft lips on his cheek. He tried to keep himself together but his cheeks were redder now. 

Akaashi was fidgeting his hands and couldn’t look at him in the eyes. Bokuto noticed that Akaashi was blushing too and took a moment to look at the guy who was standing in front of him. 

It would be a lie if Bokuto said that Akaashi isn’t pretty since everyone could see that. He has curly black hair and beautiful blue eyes. Bokuto begins thinking that he might have a crush on Akaashi but this can’t happen because Akaashi is his friend right ? Moreover Akaashi would never feel the same way about him. No, no, no this can’t happen Bokuto had to stop thinking about that. He was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice that Akaashi was talking to him 

‘’ Bokuto ? Do you hear me ? I just want to thank you for all of that ‘’ 

‘’ Oh no problem really Akaashi it’s my pleasure ‘’ Bokuto said while scratching the back of his neck 

After this Akaashi and Bokuto became even closer. They got used to holding hands and kissing each other. It’s like they were living on their own world and completely forgot the existence of the people who surrounded them even their own friends. They were always together, they texted each other every single day and they also got used to giving each others nicknames such as ‘’ my star ‘’ ‘’ sweetheart ‘’ ‘’darling ‘’. They were so close to each other that they didn’t notice someone was starting to get jealous of the special ‘’friendship’’ they had and one day Kuroo snapped 

‘’ Why do you only walk with Akaashi to school ? Why never with me ? ‘’ angrily asked Kuroo 

‘’ Kuroo it’s just that we live near each other and it’s not like you and me don’t spend time together outside of school ‘’ replied Bokuto 

‘’ Yeah but you two are always together and you never hang out with me nowadays since all you seem to think about is Akaashi ! It’s like you two are dating ’’ now there were no doubt that Kuroo was pissed

Akaashi wondered why Kuroo acted like that. Is he jealous of Akaashi ? But why would he be jealous of him ? There is nothing to be jealous of since Akaashi isn’t special. So why Kuroo was doing this. 

Bokuto decided to ignore Kuroo and started heading to class however before class started he asked Akaashi if they could talk after class. 

Akaashi didn’t focus during class because he was too preoccupied about what Bokuto told him. What does Bokuto want to talk about. It started to scare him. What if Bokuto wants to stop talking to him because of what Kuroo said earlier. No Akaashi was overthinking Bokuto will never do something like that to him at least that’s what Akaashi thought. 

Bokuto told him in fact that Kuroo was right and that he needed to distance himself from Akaashi because they were too close to each other. He told him that he also needed time to think about all of this and that he wanted to spend more time with his other friends

It broke Akaashi’s heart to listen to Bokuto telling him all of this but he knew deep inside that he was right. Their relation wasn’t healthy because they spent way too much time together… If they weren’t together at school then they were texting each other. 

As promised Bokuto started distancing himself from Akaashi. They used to send each other nearly 100 messages per day but now they just texted each other only once or twice a week. Bokuto didn’t only distance himself from Akaashi but he started ignoring him. 

Akaashi was suffering because thanks to Bokuto he forgot all about his mother and the mean things she told him but now he was all by himself so he did the only thing that he knew and started tracing red lines all over his body from his arms to his thighs. He used to do it so much that sometimes there were no longer a inch of his skin that wasn’t covered with cuts so he had to wait until his old cuts wounded and the vicious cercle resumed

In the beginning it was just small cuts nothing to worry about but the more he did it the bolder he became. The cuts became bigger and bigger. Akaashi cut deeper and deeper. His body was nothing but red lines and nobody seemed to care about him. He started losing weight too since his body began to shake again he wasn’t able to eat properly which caused him to lose over 10 kg.

People started making fun of him too because now he was all alone. They told him that he was a weirdo because his body was shaking and even filmed him to post it on snapchat just to make fun of him. He became ‘’ popular ‘’ because of that. He didn’t know why all of sudden people started making fun of him until one day a girl from his class told him the reason 

‘’ Kuroo said that you just tremble and harm yourself for attention. Oh and he also said that you used your dad’s illness as an excuse to stop hanging out with them ‘’ she said while looking at him with disgust 

Akaashi was shocked to hear that. Why did Kuroo told everyone that? Why did he do that to Akaashi? Akaashi didn’t know what to do since he was all by himself now but he really didn’t understand why he did what he did next. He went to Bokuto and told him everything literally everything from his mother to what the girl said earlier. 

‘’ HE DID WHAT ? WHERE IS HE ? ‘’ shouted Bokuto 

Akaashi didn’t understand why Bokuto was so angry and it was terrifying. He tried to calm him down but Bokuto pushed him away. 

Bokuto was not mad Kuroo, he was mad at himself. He didn’t notice that Akaashi was suffering and he was even responsible for his suffering. The only thing that he could do was protect his friend and help him going through whatever problem he might have. 

Bokuto confronted Kuroo about the rumors he spread about Akaashi but Kuroo didn’t seem to care and was even amused by the situation. It seems like seeing Akaashi suffering and being all by himself brought some kind of joy to Kuroo. Indeed Kuroo despised Akaashi. He couldn’t bear him because Kuroo was the only person that can see the real Akaashi. Akaashi is a wonderful person, full of joy when he is surrounded by the right people, kind and caring. There was no doubt that Kuroo was jealous of Akaashi however he didn’t want to admit it so he made a promise : He will make Akaashi’s life a living hell and wouldn’t stop until Akaashi has nothing left.

Bokuto and Akaashi haven’t talked since almost two months now and a lot of things have changed since the last time they had spoke…

‘’ Akaashi i need to tell you something …’’ said nervously Bokuto 

what does Bokuto want to tell Akaashi and what exactly happens during the last 2 months


	4. the fatal decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW suicide attempt, self harm and domestic violence 
> 
> so this chapter is the last one it will be about yukie and akaashi relationship and how the situation is going to degrade

‘’ Well I don’t know how to say this but Yukie is my girlfriend ‘’ 

‘’ Yukie is your what ? ‘’ Akaashi was kind of shocked to hear that because he saw how much Yukie hurt Bokuto and he clearly doesn’t understand how the two of them ended up dating. Akaashi didn’t like Yukie since she kept using Bokuto just for fun and attention. She knows that Bokuto loves her more than anything and to Akaashi she is only taking advantage of his friend. 

‘’ You disgust me Bokuto-san ‘’ Akaashi didn’t think before saying that, it just came out of his mouth. He wasn’t mad at Bokuto. He loves him. He just thinks that Yukie doesn’t deserve someone as nice and beautiful as Bokuto that’s why he was so mad but It didn’t excuse what he just said. 

‘’ Akaashi what did you just say ‘’ 

‘’ I said that you disgust me ‘’ why was he doing that ? Why did he say that again ? Akaashi didn’t understand what he was doing. Maybe he was jealous of Yukie because she will have Bokuto all to herself and Akaashi will end up alone as always. 

Akaashi knew Bokuto since almost 2 years now and he had never seen him crying once so when he heard him crying he felt like his heart was about to break because Akaashi was the reason why Bokuto was crying. He wanted to hurt himself so bad, he is a disgusting person. He should be happy for his friend but he managed to ruin that. 

‘’ Bokuto i- ‘’ 

‘’ No Akaashi i-i don’t think that we should talk today ‘’ 

‘’ But I wanted to tell you that I’m s- ‘’ 

‘’ Akaashi you don’t have to do that. You shouldn’t apologize for something that you don’t feel sorry for ‘’ and with that Bokuto left Akaashi who was now standing all alone on the middle of the street 

Akaashi didn’t know what to do. He got so used to talking to Bokuto, to being with him all the time, to talking everyday with him so what was he supposed to do now that he was alone. He walked home and he did the only thing that he could think of : drawing red lines. 

‘’ You deserve this ‘’ ‘’ you should cut deeper ‘’ ‘’ you are a monster ‘’ ‘’ your mother was right when she said that you are worthless see even Bokuto left you ‘’

And Akaashi kept doing that until he had no place left for any red lines. His body was full of red lines. It disgusted him. 

The next morning when he woke up, he saw that Bokuto sent him a message 

‘’ I’m sorry Akaashi it’s all my fault ‘’ 

Akaashi felt even guiltier after reading that. Because of him Bokuto felt like he did something wrong while the only thing he did was telling his supposed best friend that he now has a girlfriend. Akaashi felt like shit after reading that and he wanted so bad to repair his mistake so he sent a text to Bokuto to tell him how miserable he felt because of what he said and that Bokuto doesn’t deserve a friend like him. 

Akaashi had also told Bokuto about the red lines and Bokuto felt so heartbroken when he heard that but he tried his best to not show Akaashi how bad he felt. Bokuto knew what Akaashi had done last night because of what happened but he didn’t want to force Akaashi to tell him about that so he acted like what Akaashi told him didn’t affect him that much since he knew how much the poor boy suffered yesterday. 

Months have passed know and Akaashi and Bokuto were as close as they used to be. They sent each other those supportive texts when one of them felt bad, got back to calling each other cute nicknames and sometimes Bokuto or Akaashi kissed on the other cheek. 

As always when things were going perfectly between them something bad had to happen. Yukie was starting to feel jealous. Since she had Bokuto’s password she went through his phone. She saw the texts, the nicknames and she saw something that she wasn’t supposed to see. Akaashi used to send pictures of his red lines to Bokuto and Yukie saw all of it… She kept reading their messages to the point she knew every detail of Akaashi’s life. She also knew Akaashi’s social medias now and stalks him to see what was going on in his life. In fact Akaashi loves to talk about his private life on social medias especially on twitter. 

One day Akaashi was tweeting about his crush when he got a notification that someone replied to his tweet. It’s kind of strange because people ignore him all the time because he is kind of annoying so who could reply to his tweet. 

‘’ I know who you crush is ‘’ who could have said that ? The person was clearly a girl but he couldn’t manage to say who it was because her phone was hiding her face on her profile pic. 

‘’ Who are you ? Do I know you ? ‘’ replied Akaashi 

‘’ Dm me you will see Akaashi ‘’ 

It was clearly starting to get weird now. How can someone know who is his crush ? He didn’t talk about it to anyone except Bokuto … his phone started vibrating 

‘’ So you haven’t guess who I am yet ? ‘’

‘’ No i clearly have no idea ‘’ 

‘’ Well I’m the girlfriend of one of your friends ‘’ 

Girlfriend of one his friend ? It couldn’t Yukie right? Why would she dm him ? 

‘’ Yukie is that you ? ‘’ 

‘’ Ah so you finally guessed. I was starting to get bored waiting for you to find who I am ‘’ 

‘’ Yukie but why are you sending me messages ? We never talked to one another ‘’ 

‘’ Well I just wanted to let you know that you are an awful person Akaashi. You clearly are a monster. Bokuto told me everything about what you did to him during your school trip. ‘’

Oh Akaashi was so fucked now. Yukie is Bokuto’s girlfriend so of course she knows everything about Bokuto’s life and Bokuto loves to talk anyway so..

‘’ And what exactly did he told you ? ‘’

And so Yukie started telling him every little details about what happened that day. 

Akaashi was feeling really bad during diner and since it was a school trip he obviously couldn’t bring anything to harm himself so that’s why during diner he told Bokuto that he regretted not bringing his blade with him. Poor Bokuto was kind of shocked and really didn’t know what to say to his friend since this statement kind of took him by surprise so he decided to ignore it and didn’t say anything about it. 

After dinner there was a party so everyone was having fun, dancing, smoking, drinking and flirting, except one person Akaashi. Akaashi was crying. He was crying so much that people he never talked to started asking him if he was okay. Obviously he was not and the only person who could help him was Bokuto but Bokuto was kind of busy right now. 

Bokuto has a girlfriend Yukie but no one at school knew it because Yukie didn’t go to Fukurodani but to Karasuno so no one was aware that Bokuto has a girlfriend especially that girl, Suzumeda Kaori, who had a crush on him since first year. So Bokuto and Suzumeda were basically isolated from everyone. It was kind of suspicious so people started annoying them, asking them if they were together. 

Akaashi was pissed for 2 reasons : 1- his own friend preferred to flirt with a random girl rather than talk to him, 2- Bokuto has a girlfriend and he was flirting with someone. Even if he didn’t like Yukie, his friend’s behaviour didn’t seem right to him. What pushed him to the limits was the fact that he was currently crying his eyes out and his said friends ( Konoha, Sarukui and Kuroo ) saw that he was crying but asked him where was Bokuto because they were searching for him. So Akaashi snapped, he started screaming, telling them that nobody cared about him, that he was crying and they didn’t even ask how he was doing. He also told them that Bokuto was flirting with a girl and this seemed more important important to them than Akaashi own sadness. 

And they did the exact same thing Bokuto did earlier, they ignored him but contrary to Bokuto they also told him that he was selfish. Akaashi decided to call it a night and left this stupid party because all he could think of was the red lines that he could have draw on his skin. 

The next day was even worst since he didn’t talk to Bokuto the whole night he was even angrier than yesterday. So as soon as he saw Bokuto he snapped again telling him how much he disgusts him and he hates him. Bokuto was so hurt, he just didn’t know what to say to his friend when he told him that he wanted to kill himself. What was he even supposed to reply to something like that he was so afraid to say the wrong thing and make Akaashi feel even sadder so he decided to keep his mouth shut. He let Akaashi scream at him and tell him all this mean things because he knew that he was just upset. Bokuto knew everything that was going on in Akaashi’s life so he kind of understand why he was acting like that. But he wasn’t expecting what was going to happen next. 

After yelling at Bokuto, Akaashi stopped in front of their group of ‘’ friends ‘’. He rolled up his sleeves and his friends gasped. They saw his arms covered with red lines, they didn’t know what to say and Bokuto clearly didn’t expected Akaashi to do that. 

‘’ THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. I STARTED DOING THAT BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU ‘’ shouted Akaashi and with that he left 

After this ‘’ incident ‘’ they obviously stopped talking to Akaashi and started telling everyone about what happened. However they changed the story and Akaashi never thought that such a story could turn out worst. He ignored it when people started whispering behind his back whenever they saw him in the hallway. People started to push him too and they also sent him every night mean texts. He didn’t know how everyone got his number but he finally figured out that it was Kuroo who gave it to them. Kuroo was living his best life really. Now he had Bokuto all to himself and Akaashi was all alone so his goal was fulfilled. 

However Kuroo forgot about a little ‘’ detail ‘’. 

Kuroo has a crush on a guy named Kenma so when he heard that his Kenma had a crush on Akaashi he saw red. Was Akaashi going to steal everything from him ? First it was Bokuto but now it’s Kenma. What is so special about Akaashi Keiji ? 

When Akaashi heard about the Kenma situation he didn’t think twice it was the perfect revenge. He wanted to make Kuroo suffer as much as the guy made him suffer. He didn’t care about Kenma’s feelings, he just wanted to hurt Kuroo. 

So Akaashi started acting like he cared about Kenma, pretending he liked him and everything. Kenma was a nice guy and Akaashi kind of felt bad for him. Kenma bought him cakes, his favorite drinks and gave them to Akaashi whenever he heard he relapsed. He also made Akaashi playlists with his favorite songs in order to make Akaashi happier or make him feel just a little better. He knew that Akaashi was taking advantage of him and in the beginning he didn’t care he loved him so much but the more time passes the more he just wanted to stop everything because he knew deep inside that Akaashi will never love him like that. 

That’s why one day Kenma told Akaashi that it was over. He was tired of running after someone who didn’t care about him and was just using him to make the guy he hated the most feel bad. Akaashi begged Kenma to stay, he didn’t want to be alone so he acted like he had feelings for Kenma but it didn’t take Kenma long to figure out Akaashi was lying. 

Again Akaashi was all alone but the worst part was that Kenma started talking with Kuroo and even worst Akaashi told things to Kenma that he didn’t even tell Bokuto and Kenma did the worst thing he could ever do, he told everyone Akaashi’s deepest secrets. 

Whenever Akaashi was walking he could hear people saying how weak he was because he hurt himself. Now he was truly alone and he didn’t know what to do. 

Back to Yukie now 

‘’ So he really told you everything … ‘’

‘’ Yeah and I clearly think that people in your school are right. You should really kill yourself Akaashi Keiji you don’t deserve to live ‘’ 

‘’ But… You didn’t even hear my own side of the story ‘’ 

‘’ I don’t care I have a lot of people who told me about you ‘’’ 

‘’ You do ? ‘’

‘’ Yeah I talked to Kuroo too when I was at Bokuto’s house ‘’ 

‘’ Of course Kuroo as if he was a reliable person ‘’ 

‘’ You are truly one to talk. You should stop talking to Bokuto too, you clearly don’t deserve to talk to someone like him. ‘’ 

‘’ I told him to stop talking to me but he doesn’t want to. He keeps reaching out and asking if im okay ‘’ 

‘’ Well try harder because I don’t want him anywhere near someone as disgusting as you. Oh and you really think he talks to you because he cares about you… what a joke look at what he told me about you ‘’ 

Yukie sent him a screenshot of what seems to be a conversation between Bokuto and her 

Bokuto : I trust you Yukie, I really do but I don’t know if I can trust Akaashi. I don’t know what he is capable of. 

Akaashi felt his heart break. Bokuto, the guy who used to be his best friend said that about him… he didn’t know what to say or do. 

‘’ Well you better stop talking to him now. I gotta go now I don’t want to keep talking with someone who disgust me so much ‘’ 

And with that Yukie left but she kept stalking his account everyday. Every time Akaashi mentioned indirectly Bokuto, Yukie or Kuroo she messaged him and insulted him telling him to stop because it was kind of pathetic. 

Because of everything that was going on Akaashi tried several times to take his own life but he was unsuccessful. He tried to reach out to people, to tell them how he felt but they all told him the same thing ‘’ We aren’t your therapist ‘’ or they just ignored him. 

Akaashi was so focused on all those problems that he forgot that he needed to graduate. He didn’t study during the whole school year how was he supposed to graduate ? 

He tried his best to study but there were so much to do and he could learn everything in just a week. It was clearly impossible. 

The exams came and before every exam people came to him just to tell him he was going to fail and that he sucked. Akaashi tried his best to not pay attention to this but it was hard, so hard. 

Obviously Akaashi failed his exams and didn’t graduate. He forgot about his exams but he also forgot about the most important thing or in fact the most important person : his own mother. How was he going to tell her that he failed. She is going to kill him. 

He was walking home and his whole body was shaking. Akaashi was so scared of what was going to happen. He knew it was going to be bad but how bad will it get. He didn’t know what his mom was capable of. 

If Akaashi knew what was coming he would have obviously studied for his exams but he didn’t so he deserved what came next. As soon as he passed the front door his mother started hitting him. She hit him with everything that was near her and in the end Akaashi’s body was no longer only full of red lines but also purple bruises. It hurt so much and he was feeling so bad. His dad ignored him and went outside whenever his mother started beating him and insulting him

‘’ You don’t deserve to live ‘’ ‘’ I hate you so much ‘’ ‘’ I wish I never had you ‘’ ‘’ everyone hates you ‘’ ‘’ you should kill yourself no one cares about you ‘’ 

She told him that every single day and Akaashi spent his days laying on his bed wondering if she was right. Maybe he should kill himself and his mom would be happier without him. At least if he did that the pain would stop and he won’t feel sad anymore. 

He planned this for days. He was convinced that no one cares about him and that if he died it wouldn’t bother anyone. So one day when he was finally home alone he decided to do it. he went to his bag and took his blade. He used to only trace red lines but now he needed to cut deeper if he wanted to die that’s why he failed his attempts before. So the blade started running against his skin and his blood was now dripping into the bowl of his hands. There was so much blood that it started falling on the floor. His mom was going to kill him he thought but then he remembered that he was already doing that. It hurt, it hurt so much but he cut deeper and deeper until he dropped on the floor. 

Akaashi Keiji is dead. 

He died thinking that everyone hated him, that no one cared about him but little did he know that despite everything Bokuto loved him. When Bokuto heard the news he was devastated and after seeing how bad he felt Yukie decided to tell him what she did to Akaashi. Bokuto couldn’t believe it. His own girlfriend did that to the only person he ever truly loved and that person was now gone. Bokuto couldn’t do anything about it, he couldn’t even intend the funerals because it wasn't like he was close to Akaashi. He left him all alone despite the fact that he knew everything about the boy. 

He remembered every happy memories he had with Keiji and he also remember the surname he gave the boy ‘’ his star ‘’. So one night when the sky was full of stars he started talking. 

‘’ Keiji, can you hear me ? I hope you can because I just want to tell you everything I never got the chance to tell you. Keiji despite everything you thought about yourself you were so strong. You went through so much but you still kept going even if it hurt. I’m sure of one thing : you were a good person. you just felt overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do that’s why you screamed and said all this mean things I know it deep inside that you didn’t mean everything you told me. I hope that you know that I loved you Akaashi, I truly loved you so much but I was too afraid of other people to confess to you and now you are gone. If only I haven’t left you all alone and told you how much I love you… Maybe it would have made you felt better but I will never know … Keiji remember that I love you and that you will always be my star‘’

Maybe it was his imagination or because he was tired but Bokuto could have swore that the stars started shining brighter. Maybe it was Keiji answering him and just this thought made him smile a little.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed  
> it's the first fanfic that i wrote so it will be great if someone can give me pieces of advice. I just hope that you didn't find it bad but if you did well don't hesitate to tell me what i can change


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